You know how in your mind you see glimpse of reality but something in your thoughts shelve it so you don't see more than a glimpse of the truth? I knew the day I moved in with my son and how he was treating me that this was not going to work. The doctors felt my son caused me to go over the edge and this would be from the pan into the fire. But I felt weak and nowhere to go. He didn't have time for me and the truth has always been 'He didn't want to be bothered with me'. Those truths were there all along but I guess I did not want to believe it or I made excuses for it. Some hard truths are heart breaking and depression can take over and lie to you. The mind is strong and yet fragile and can break or be scarred. Be we fight to go on most times. Sometimes depression wins and one can't go on. Your brought back but again the reality is you are still abandoned, alone.
Where am I going with this? I must move on as the bit of talk we (son and I)had he didn't care of my needs like a stove that works and railing that don't don't wobble sway. The attitude was - a shrug and look of then leave. She can't afford to fix it and other tenants never complained.
So ennaway I am facing reality that I already knew, it wasn't going to work. I tried and tried hard but I chose to not believe it I guess. So last night as I started to break I called my friends in Missouri and then my friend Donna and Donna talked to me foe over an hour and she will help me find a place. I messaged my DIL and she will help me too. I tell myself out loud I will be fine and I am looking at this apartment complex for 55+ with activities and independent living. It is downtown Sheboygan away from here.
I must keep positive thoughts and I know Hugh was right all along. Lots to do and again lots to leave behind. Say a prayer for me okay? I need a home I need people who care. I do not wish this feeling of abandonment onto anybody.
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Oh dear Toodie ~ You are in my thoughts and prayers that you will find a safe, loving environment to live, where you'll make new friends and enjoy life.
ReplyDeleteLove and Hugs ~ FlowerLady
You have become one strong lady in the past year! I count all the things you've been through and know any one of them could've knocked you off your feet, but YOU'RE STILL STANDING! I admire the woman you've become. You will find your "right" life soon. You've just been kissing frogs lately!
ReplyDeleteWell you know your friends are behind you. You have so much on your plate and yet you are being honest to yourself.
ReplyDeleteListen I would like to meet you on the phone. We've never spoken but we've known each other for quite a while. I will email you my phone number so you'll be able to recognize when I call providing of course you email me back your number. It doesn't have to be right away but It would be nice to talk to you.
I feel so hopeless that I can't help you, except with encouraging words. I really think Paul's words will be more comforting and helpful for you. The realization of what really is going on with your mind is one big step to being able to stay in a good place in your head. Please know you are valued by many and will be able to achieve happiness and comfort in a while. Hang on! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI understand you on a level deeper than you might know. My absence online is fueled by similar realizations. Grace to you Toodie.
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